I frequently find myself sitting before the Lord asking, begging, pleading – Lord, why have you given me such a big heart, capable of loving so much and hurting so much?!
This has been a point of so much frustration in my life. So often I wish I didn’t feel everything so deeply, that I wasn’t so sensitive. But it’s a place where the Lord is working, and today I want to share a little about that.
This past weekend I was on a women’s retreat, with the theme being mercy. Last week leading up to the retreat was hard. A lot of bizarre things happened to me, as has been the theme of this year. But the other hard part is God was silent. A lot of my prayer leading up to the retreat was just sitting in the presence of the Lord, sitting before the crucifix in my room and often times my mind would run completely empty. Nothing in scriptures that I read stood out to me, sometimes something in St. Faustina’s Diary would strike me. But really, all I desired was to sit in silence in the presence of the Lord. Though I often couldn’t feel His presence, it was that act of faith, that hard-vulnerable, confidant trust the He was present. So with prayer being this way for a week-ish I wasn’t quite looking forward to the retreat because I was doubting the Lord would speak to me while I was away… Well, I was wrong.
Friday night we had an opportunity for confession and we had meditations read on the 7 spiritual works of mercy. However, I was completely tuned out to those meditations and completely tuned into the Lord. He spoke ever so clearly. I decided to go to the psalms and was flipping around them and ended up in Ps 33. There’s a line in Ps 33 that says: The one who fashioned the hearts knows all their works.
The who fashioned the hearts… This was the line that struck me and here’s what the Lord spoke:
The Father fashioned your heart! He designed it just how He needed it to be. He made your heart as it is because He knew the world would need a heart like yours.
As women, I think we often struggle with feeling like we love too deeply, we love too much. We put our whole hearts into what we do and sometimes we feel wounded because of it, but the Lord fashioned our hearts and He is not a God who makes mistakes. He knew exactly what He was doing when He made your heart, when He made my heart. The Father knew the world needed a heart like yours. As women, by the way we love, we can bring Christ’s mercy to the world in a special way, with our mother’s hearts. We need to allow ourselves to experience God’s mercy, which He freely gives to us as gift, so that we can be instruments of His mercy to the men, women, and children in our lives.