Be Healed Pt 1

You may have noticed I’ve been quiet on the blog lately. I guess I haven’t had much to say. I’ve been in kinda a limbo state of life. However, I have a routine again, so my brain wheels are turning more actively once more and I’m not spending the majority of my day staring at a screen watching Gilmore Girls for the 5th time… Anyway, moving forward – my friend told me about this book she’s reading called Be Healed by Bob Schuchts. Whenever she gives me a book recommendation it’s usually a phenomenal one. So I bought the book and I started reading it last night.

Chapter 1 is all about an encounter with Jesus. Bob, the author, takes us through his journey of encountering Jesus. This lead me to reflect on my own life as I read about his encounter.

I found myself asking “why am I reading this? I’ve encountered Jesus before, more than once. I’ve felt His tender love and mercy.” As I brought these thoughts to the Lord He made it clear that I had only allowed myself to receive His love within MY parameters, and that He has more for me.

Now, I’ve been told multiple times before that the Lord always has more, but I was definitely not believing that today. How could He have more? What more could He do for me?

As I finished chapter 1, I found myself asking the Lord to reveal these wounds to me. A couple came to mind. The high school boyfriend who I allowed to fulfill me and my mother-wound were the two biggies that came to mind.

Let’s start with the mother-wound. Now, before I get started, let me make clear that I love my mom very much and she has done her best to love me, but as humans we are bound to fail in some capacity and I don’t hold this against her in any way, this is just the reality of my story.

The mother-wound: from a young age (I think about 8 years old) I have a distinct memory of rushing around the house trying to make sure it was in tip-top shape before my mom got home from another weekend in Michigan. Her side the family lives up there, and her dad was sick at the time, so she would go up on the weekends to take care of him while my dad stayed home with us. It was great to hang out with my dad, there were many perks. However, if she came home and the sink was filled with dishes and the tables weren’t dusted I knew she would get really upset so I tried my best to make sure at least the dishes got done while she was gone and any spills were cleaned up. Then in high school she was laid up from surgery a couple of times. Each time it fell to me to make sure that we all ate dinner, grocery shopping got done, the house was cleaned, etc. Essentially, I was running the household out of necessity. My senior year of high school my grandpa(her father) passed away that September (2010). In the months leading up to his death she essentially lived in Michigan, so I was once more helping to run the house. What I didn’t realize is how this affected me, how this was wounding me and how it wounded my relationship with my mom. Now about to start my final semester of college in a few months there are still wounds when it comes to this relationship. I live about an hour away from home. My mom will make trips to Michigan (3 hour drive) every other weekend. And she was recently talking about making a trip to Kentucky to visit an old friend (4-5 hour drive). But she never asks to come visit me. I don’t remember the last time she called me on my birthday. Last year I didn’t even get a text message… she just posted on my facebook wall. This year I got a text message after sending her a picture of the flowers my dad sent me for my birthday. So as you can tell, there’s a lot of wounds there, which I have suppressed rather than faced (at least that’s what I think the case is…). Anyway, this brings us to my next “major” wound.

The high school boyfriend. I remember in high school really struggling with this longing to be feel loved and wanted. Media told me that would come in the way of a dating relationship, so I obsessed over getting a relationship. One thing lead to another and in December of my sophomore year of high school I started dating this boy whom I had been waiting for. I allowed him to be the one to fulfill. He became my whole world. {amber, why are you bringing this up, a high school boyfriend, isn’t that in the past… I promise he plays a role, as much as I wish he didn’t.} So of course, when we broke up I was lost. I’d lost all my friends. My life revolved around his phone calls and when I would see him. Needless to say, I fell into a pretty severe depression after we broke up. I laid in bed all day for months, watched Grey’s Anatomy and ate maybe 1-2 meals a day because I had no appetite.

These two wounds, I believe, are greatly intertwined. Because I wasn’t feeling loved and wanted within the context of my family I found a relationship where I felt loved and wanted and he eventually left me, telling me it wasn’t God’s will for us to be together anymore. I was 16 when that happened. I’m 23 now. Yet, to this day, it’s still one of the first things that comes to mind when I think about my wounds. Maybe it always will be, or maybe there’s some healing that still needs to be done. And my mother-wound, well I still just haven’t really even dealt with that yet.

So back to this book Be Healed – In the introduction Bob talks about the woman at well from the gospel of John 4. Jesus too was thirsty when He came to the well. He thirsted for the woman. Jesus longed to satisfy her thirst by pouring himself out on her behalf. He desired to fulfill her, not use her. 

Jesus desire to fulfill me. In the way I let my high school boyfriend fulfill me, Jesus wants to fulfill me.

Okay, great. I already at least kind of knew that. I’ve brought this before the Lord before. Then I came to this line

With the barriers around my heart removed, I could now receive what He had always desired to give me. 

Upon reading this line, several thoughts ran through my mind – but Lord haven’t I already given you my heart. But Lord, I’ve received your love and felt your presence. He responded very clearly that it was only within my parameters that I received His love.

Oh.

And Jesus asked me: Do you want to to fully receive my unconditional love? Allow me to be the one to fulfill you.

but Jesus, I don’t want you to leave me. 

Today’s consensus?
My heart is only exposed to the extent I let it be exposed. I have put up self-protective barriers in a way that I didn’t realize they were still there. The reality of my wounds and my barriers, of my humanity —

[All I ever wanted was to feel loved and wanted]

Stay tuned as I continue on this journey of healing and self-discovery and please pray for me!

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. ❤ You always find the words to amaze. I know that I've known you for like forever, but I always find that I only know so much and that there are so many more fabulous layers to you, my most wonderful friend. I saw you post to FB about the book and I hope it's everything you need it to be. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. asuper518 says:

      I love you too ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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