When Jesus romances your heart, well you’ve just got to write about it, obviously.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts this summer, I’ve had a bit of a hard summer. And multiple people told me that often times trials and hard time are also periods of great growth. However, when people said that I would usually nod my head and say yeah, but that doesn’t make it any easier and feel rather annoyed. Now I’m coming to the end of the summer, school starts in like 2 weeks, and it’s my last first day of school. But also, I hit a break point. I broke down and cried for many hours over the course of two days. I stopped trying to hold everything together and just let the hard stuff be hard and let the hurtful stuff be hurtful.
I’ve struggled with loneliness for as long as I can remember really. I have always felt like something was missing and that I wasn’t complete or whole. I always thought it was a relationship – like a relationship with guy – you know, dating, marriage etc. And then in high school, I found Jesus and Catholicism. Since then, I have been on this continual process of discovering what it means to allow Jesus to satisfy. I would lament about being single and feeling lonely, and “I just want to get married…” but that so often was because I believed it was only in marriage that I would be satisfied. NEWS FLASH … that’s not true. And it seems, that finally this reality is sinking in.
In recent weeks, there has been a lot trial in my relationships within my family, specifically with one of my brothers. And it’s been awful on so many levels. He has always been the first one to get protective over me, and I’ve always been protective over him. We grew up together, did everything together. But there’s been a lot of hurtful actions and words between us recently. And this might sound intense or dramatic, but in a sense, there has been a lot of persecution. The thing with family is that it’s easy to let our true selves show. It’s easy to take out our anger and frustration on our family because they’re our family, we’re stuck with them, obligated to love them.
Saturday I was at a wedding. And naturally, I was thinking about this situation with my brother because it’s essentially eating away at me, all I want is my brother my back. And as we approached communion I was gazing upon the alter – which the church we were at has a suspended crucifix and above it there are the word “Through Him and with Him and in Him”.Jesus endured all kinds of persecutions and sufferings for our sake. I was reflecting on how I’d felt alone and rejected by my family. I was reflecting on just how alone I felt in the world. It so often seems like all the people around me have someone to share their life with and I am alone. But as I gazed on that crucifix with those words in mind through Him and with Him and in Him I was convicted and reminded that He, Jesus, is the only one who will ever truly satisfy our hearts.
I’ve always wanted someone to come and be my Savior, to share my burdens and sufferings with, to tell me everything is going to be okay. I’ve always wanted someone to complete me. But I already have that. It is Jesus. He and He alone satisfies every desire of my heart. He is the perfect lover, He is my beloved. He rejoices over me with singing and in Him my soul finds rest.
The realization of this reality doesn’t discredit my longing for marriage, my confidence that my vocation is to marriage. Nor does it mean I won’t struggle with loneliness. We are made for more, for heaven. If anything, this realization prepares me even more for my vocation because it means that I’m not going to expect my husband to satisfy me.
I remember in high school going to youth group and the wife of the youth minister (her name is amber too) giving a talk where she says her husband does not satisfy her and could never satisfy her and I was completely struck by that… I was always under the impression that my husband would satisfy my longing to be loved, that he would resolve my loneliness. But the thing is, he, whoever he is, is only human. And as human beings we are imperfect and will fail to love. It’s the reality of our fallen nature. But today, this week – I get where Amber was coming from. This week, Jesus allowed me to experience a deep union with him, a sense of completeness upon receiving Him – body, blood, soul and divinity into my own body. And for the Eucharist to fulfill me, to satisfy me, to strengthen me, and to heal me – to heal the wounds of this heart.
Maybe you’re where I’ve been – doubting that Jesus will satisfy you, or maybe you know exactly what I’m talking about, or maybe you’re somewhere in between. Regardless of where you may be, know that I am praying for you dear one. That you may know the satisfying love of Jesus, and that you may find your wholeness with Him who only longs to lavish His love on you.