The last several months have felt like I’m in survival mode, and the last 2 mos have really felt like I was in survival mode. A lot of things happened at once and I just had to get through. There wasn’t time to think, to feel, to rest… I had to do what I had to do. I had to get things done. So that’s what happened. But things are slowing down. I’m FINALLY caught up on ALL my school work… not ahead by any means, but ‘up-to-date’. My brother’s wedding is over. Things have started to settle into normalcy.
Which means I have had time to think, to rest, and to pray… though I haven’t often desired or wanted to pray. But it’s such a habit that I would just show up and honestly, a lot of times I would sit there and tell Jesus I’m not sure what I’m doing but I’m gonna show up anyway.. I can be quite obstinate and also extremely habitual. I’ve gotten every morning for years, poured my cup of coffee, and sat down with my journal and bible… So I showed up anyway.
But over the last week or so I’ve really noticed how much I have not been myself. I’m realizing how intensely I was immersed in survival mode. I’m beginning to realize how angry I am at certain situations, how hurt I have been by certain situations. And most of all just how tired I am. Tired of upholding the facade.
Last night I was sitting here thinking
“I really need to pray.
I should pray. I don’t want to pray.
Maybe I should change what I’m trying with pray right now.. this book isn’t really seeming to lead me anywhere. “
So I look over to my bookshelf of spiritual books and Be Healed stood out. Yeah, maybe I should read that one again. People told me that book was going to change my life. And it was good, but maybe it wasn’t the right time when I read it the first time.
Last night I started once again with the Lord. I’d been so filled with anger that I just couldn’t do anything. So I started by allowing myself to be vulnerable with the Lord. And then started Be Healed once again. Okay, I need to re-encounter the Lord and His love right now. And He has been softening my heart to this lately. He is the all patient, ever-merciful God and it is such a beautiful thing how He waits for us and never stops pursuing us. Jesus reminded me on Sunday as I was driving to mass that it is okay for me to feel these emotions I’ve been feeling.
It’s okay to be angry, to be hurt. And it’s actually a good thing to let yourself feel them rather than bury them away.
Still feeling kind of obstinate I sat down tonight with my book and my journal and as I worked through it these questions kept coming up –
do you want to be well?
Are you willing to face your wounds?
do you want to be well?
Jesus asks this of the man who has been trying to get into healing waters for 38 years and the man doesn’t answer with a “yes, of course” but rather focuses on the practicals of the situation, and focuses on his inability to get himself to the healing waters. Yet Jesus heals him because clearly the man desires to be well. But really I love this concept because so often we get caught up in our desires and attempts to do things on our own, but Jesus is right there waiting for us to give Him permission, to let Him in.
But I think the other question is more important – are you willing to face your wounds?
Living the Christian life isn’t an easy one. It involves being reminded that you are nothing, that without God you are but dust. It is a continual process of self-surrender. It is a continual process of realizing your deep need of God. But it’s scary. It’s scary because we’re comfortable. I’m comfortable with my wounds. I’m comfortable with my fears. I’m comfortable with my anger. But we were not called for comfort. And the thing is – we get caught up in this thought that “my wounds are too big for God”. He can’t fix this. Or maybe we get caught up in thinking that we aren’t worth the healing he wants to give, that we aren’t good enough to be healed. And that we can’t possibly ever be healed from this thing we’ve been carrying around for so long. We get caught in the concept of the end result of seeking healing
But I was listening to Fr Mike Schmitz podcast, like seriously my favorite podcast ever.
Anyway he was talking about how we don’t need to have enough to finish, we just have to have enough to get started. Jesus doesn’t give grace in advance. He gives grace in the moment.
So maybe you’re like me. Maybe you’ve been stuck in this vicious cycle of fear and anger. Maybe all these thoughts from your past have been coming up again and you thought you were done with this part of your life. If that’s the case, know you’re not alone. Know that it’s scary to face these wounds. But I want to invite you to join me. Join me in digging into the mess that is this life and finding Jesus and receiving grace and becoming more of the person the Father designed you to be.
Will you join me in facing our wounds?
It is only in facing our wounds that we will find the healing, the wholeness we each desire in the core of our being.